That’s right I said it. I hate, hate, HATE Rachael Ray.
But why Cassie? She’s adorable! Have you no heart?! You of all people should LOVE Rach and her 30 minute dinners! Bite your tongue!
You can shame me all you want, but I will never change my opinion of her.
Now, listen. I’ll be the first to admit that she might be a marketing genius, but come on. So are the big tobacco companies. That doesn’t make either of the two any less evil.
After all, that’s exactly what Rachael Ray is. Evil. She may even be the definition of evil. I’m not sure. One thing I AM sure of is this: NO ONE can be happy-go-lucky as often and as theatrically as Rachael Ray can. She has the haunting ability to flash a toothy grin, framed with chipmunk cheeks and squeal something along the lines of “Yum-o!! Good to go delish!!”, whilst cooking up impossibly delicious treats in under 30 minutes.
My comrades, I ask you this: If you were the definition of EVIL, how would you disguise yourself as to throw off the entire population in order to implement your wretched scheme for world domination right under their noses?
You would, of course, adorn yourself with a flaming cloak made of purity and whole-heartedness and PERK!
Don’t you see what she’s doing? She’s blinded you with her flaming cloak! Instead of taking note of her bizarre actions that might parallel that of a league of communist takeover enthusiasts, you are standing in line at the local Barnes and Noble with a copy of “30 Minute GET REAL meals” waiting for your personalized autograph and a picture with this chipper chipmunk.
You’d be dissapointed, though.
Oh what, you didn’t know? Rachael Ray doesn’t take pictures with fans. Oh no. And personalized autographs? Honey, unless you have the newest edition of “Just In Time”, her newest book, you have another thing comin’. And that thing is most likely certain death. Or an umbrella to the face courtesy of Britney Spears. Sometimes I don’t know whats worse.
Here is an excerpt from the Food section of this morning’s News and Observer.
Attention, Rachael Ray fans.
If you are planning to go to your favorite happy-go-lucky TV cook’s book signing at the Barnes & Noble in Cary next month, you must obey the rules. There are quite a few.
1. Ray will sign books for only 375 people. To be one of the chosen, you must go to the bookstore on Dec 7 starting at 8am to get a wristband that will allow you admission for that night’s book signing.
2. You cannot send a friend to get a wristband for you.
3. The first 375 people who show up — and no others — will get wristbands.
4. Ray will personalize only copies of “Just in Time,” her new book, and she will sign as many copies of it as you want.
5. Don’t plan on bringing your entire Rachael Ray library to be autographed. Ray will sign but not personalize only the cover of the current issue of her magazine, and these four books: “Rachael Ray 2, 4, 6, 8″ “Rachael Ray 365-No Repeats” “Rachael Ray’s 30-minute Get Real Meals” and “Cooking Rocks.”
6. She will not sign memorabilia.
7. No, you cannot have your picture taken with Ray.
8. No, she will not pose for photos.
9. You can take her photo only while you are standing in line. You cannot take photos at the table.
If you can follow these rules, line up for your wristbands at the bookstore at 760 SE Maynard Road in Cary. Wristband holders should be at the store by 6pm for lineup instructions for the signing.
Clearly and without question, Rachael Ray is evil. Plus, she ain’t even that good a cook. She probably has ghost cookers. See how I did that? Like ghost writers… but in the kitchen.
I have hope that our nation as a people will come to realize this slick fiddle of fiddle-faddlers for who she truly is. (Evil.) Only then can we gather as a united force and banish her from our food networks for good! I love America, therefore I hate Rachael Ray.
